~[Thank you... once more]~

And here they are, dreamers again.

Today I had a very bad day, a terrible day. I wont ever say it has been the worst day of my life cause I haven't lived my whole life yet to say so but, It was a very hard day with lots of lows and now high point.

The point here is that, a dreamer (out of the 1000+ out there) appeared, out of nowhere, saying she liked the birthday present I made (yeah.. the vid, girls) and, I thanked her, as I normaly do when someone thanks or makes a compliment for the things I do. But I really wasn't in the mood for more talking, so I just closed the MSN window and started listening to music. She then said some magical words that slowly made me open my heart to her: "I don't know you, but, the one I'm talking to isn't the Mei I imagined..."

Is not that I've always wanted to show my real self to everyone, to be honest I don't let anyone to know the real me, maybe cause I want to protect myself - a little bit much -... but with her, everything was so different.

That talk was the only and the greatest high I would ever expected, and... you know? that was all I needed to be allright as I am now.

It's magical how people we don't even know, appear all of a sudden and become an important part of your life... I don't know if she feels the same way, maybe we won't talk often after this, but the impression she left on me was the best of all: a real someone in the middle of an unreal world.

Now, once again, I can say how grateful I feel now that I've found you, Dreamers. 100s ... 1000s... I don't know you all, and I don't know if one day I will but, what reminds on me and will stay until the end is all the love I feel, not for me, but for the reason of our union; all the support you give, all the nice words I've read now that I entered his facebook page. Things like that make me feel confortable in this amazing Dreaming world, that I don't want to leave.

Thanks!

- - - -

Side note: Alan, if you read this: I'm always here to give you "heart massages" ... I repeat, those work *hugs him and gives him the "massage"* lol.

~Dreamers~

What it means for me to be a dreamers?

How did it all start?

It's funny and pleasent to go back in time to that sunny day of February (yeah, It was february), when I first talked to him. I have to confess I'm extremely shy, even though everyone sees me as a very outgoing funny and almost-clown like person, but the truth is that, when I first send him a message I was like "omg.. he's never going to answer! >.< he's going to laugh". Yeah, I'm usually like that, but, all of a sudden, I started knowing the person behind the youtuber. Even though I'm miles away from him, I really felt that, with every song, with every message he answered to me, with every message he answered to the rest, he was someone unique.

That's how my dream started, the day I discovered his. And maybe that was the beginning of this word "dreamers" to describe all of us, his supporters, members of a "virtually real" family.

One night I was talking to a friend of mine (the one who asked me to read this first as soon as it is finished, lol) about which name his supporters should have, as DBSK has Cassiopeias and Super Junior has E.L.F. We both were lacking of ideas and stopped thinking about it but, when I went to bed to sleep, it came to my mind clearly: Dreamers. His dream became our dream, and we all together started living his dream and did things to make that dream come true.

Now, after a few months, I realized that "Dreamers" is not just a name, but something real, something that really describes us all.

Dreamers... the ones who have various talents that are shared to the rest

Dreamers... the ones who can rely on the other

Dreamers... the ones you can laugh with

Dreamers... the ones that, even though they're spread all over the world, are with you as a family

Dreamers... the ones I'm really thanked I've met and that I never want to loose.

Dreamers, Alan's Supporters, precious human beings. Thanks so much for what your doing for Him, and for what your doing for everyone, specially me, showing me that there can be people that support other no matter what, since the very frist day until the very last.

I really hope to see you someday, at least to some of you, and to see our mutual dream fulfilled, that day, even more than now, I'll say I'm proud of being part of this.


What it means for me to be a dreamer?

Means that I'm part of a family, of a giant family spread all over the world. A family of +1000 members. That's something that not everyone has, right?.
Means that I'm part of this dream, I'm part of the tears, I'm part of the laughter and all the effort... Means that, when he gets there, we'll be there too.

Dreamer... keep on dreaming and do something about it, as long as you do it, you can have your life fulfilled by those dreams. Dreamer, dream, that we all dream with you to make it bigger.

Dreamer, your dream is ours...

I love ya all~

I can't say goodbye 'cause I love You

Sé perfectamente que estas palabras no las entenderás como dirigidas para tí, por mucho que las leas, no te verás a tí como la que hizo que esta noche después de muchas vuelva a escribir lo que siento.

Es díficil describir todo el cúmulo de sensaciones que crecen en mí cada vez que te veo, cada vez que te hablo al menos por un momento. Tú no te das cuenta, pero eso aún puede ser llamado amor. Quizá no amor de pareja, pero si amor de ser humano a ser humano; puede ser llamado amor en el sentido de que aun mis ojos brillan, aún mi corazon late haciendome saber viva cada vez que me dices "Hola" y tus ojos marrón oscuro se vuelven dos oscuras medias lunas que tanto adoro.

Sé que en tu vida no existo como tú existes en la mía. Soy para ti una conocida mas, solo eso... cada vez que estas conmigo siento eso, comparo lo de los demás con lo mío y caigo en cuenta: soy solo una compañera tuya.

No me duele, me dolería tu rechazo. Tampoco me conformo, porque yo siempre he querido mas de todo, inclusive de tí, pero si es lo que tienes para darme, lo aceptaré.

Esto cada vez se vuelve mas confuso, letra tras letra me confundo aún mas y no entiendo por qué decidí escribir esto. Quizá es para darme cuenta de lo confundida que está mi mente, o toda la confusión que creo en ella al pensarte.

난 당신이 내가 할 수 방법에 날보고 싶어. 난 당신이 나를 사랑하게는 아니지만 원하는대로 할, 내가 당신을 사랑하기 때문에 아무도 누구도 사랑할 수있는

Perdón una vez más, pero aún lo siento, así tú no lo sientas.

~Gone~

Some time ago I decided to write about important things for me - although others may think they are trivial things, or just stupid - but there were many things I stopped doing so. Fear, depression and lack of knowledge of English - which caused fear and depression, also. -

Why in English? because although it sounds contradictory, most of my contacts or people I know in this cyber-world are English speakers and because I can't say personally what I can perfectly say by writing.

That something - or rather, someone - who gave me the courage to do this - and that he may not know it - is someone whom I greatly admire and whom, somehow, I feel I have a connection with. Maybe because we both like to write, or at least enjoy doing so - that's what I feel when he "discovers" part of his life in his writings.

How much can hurt to see that person and realize there's no one there? How much it hurts when that person no longer exists, it's only a shadow, or maybe not even that?.
Everything that once was built went directly into the trash. I tried to recover it, desperately tried to but there was nothing, just disappeared. That person continued being here, but that person is no longer the one I knew, simply an unknown human being to me ... like I am for that person.

That is what got me sad for the last few days, and that was the summit of a series of unfortunate events for me. Those who know me will never know what's happening, because I never show anything to the rest, because I am not interested in hugs by inertia, words without feeling saying they understand the way I feel and that everything's going to be OK. I am tired of the hypocrites who end up as the one I lost: unknown people for me.

Many of you may believe now that I am.... a depressed person, away from the Mei you know: always cheerful, always prankster, always fangirl (haha, Alan). Don't think that way, I'm all that I mentioned, but I also have this side, that side only show this way, writing each time I need to vent all I have inside.

I think this song is all the time on my blog in one way or another, perhaps because it is the only - and I'm not lying - song I hear in the day, or because it summed up in five minutes and half what I have been feeling in these weeks.
That's why every day I should restate my admiration for this group, is the only one I can identify with because every single song, without exception, is a story of life, of my life, of many lives.

~Stand By U~

En estos momentos siento la necsidad de escribir algo que logre, al menos en algo, apaciguar lo que tengo dentro.

"La nueva era Yoochun", asi llamo en términos graciosos al tiempo que estoy pasando ahora. Melancolía, quizá; sentimientos de culpa, de nuevo aquellos sentimientos enterrados por el paso de los implacables casi 11 meses sin aquella fuente de vida que, día a día, me hacía ver que mi verdadero yo era falso, que podía existir uno completamente distinto, uno que podía sonreír de verdad. ¡Que mentira fue esa! siempre debí de haber sido quien felizmente ahora soy.

¿Por qué vengo a recordar algo pasado justamente ahora? pues porque jamás lo olvidé por completo, porque en realidad jamás quise olvidar... aunque me quemaba por dentro, en realidad no quise olvidar ninguno de esos momentos y, cada vez que veo esos preciosos ojos marrones lo entiendo de nuevo: no estoy dispuesta a olvidarlo jamás.

Realmente son tontos los pensamientos que vienen a mi mente, y mas tonto es el hecho de que no voy a poder contarlo todo en este blog, simplemente soltaré todos mis sentimientos, sin entrar en detalles que harán de esto una telenovela, y sinceramente no quiero darles tissues (porque no tengo ni tengo dinero para comprárselos, lol).


"Dije que te olvidaría pero fue una mentira, la verdad es que simplemente no quise olvidarte.
Si comportarme como si no me importara fue mi decisión, pues ya no la necesito.
Una felicidad que no se puede sentir si no estás aquí.
No importa cuánto trate, no puedo fácilmente dejar que fluyan las lágrimas"


¿Cómo puede ser posible que una canción, cinco minutos y algo más puedan hacer revivir todos los momentos, aún aquellos que parecían insignificantes, con diálogos, con los mismos sentimientos, con la misma piel erizada? ¿Cómo puede ser que una cancion, unas simples letras puedan llegar a hacer tanto en tí?

Cada vez que le veo siento que veo menos y menos a la persona que alguna vez conocí y de la que, ciertamente, me enamoré perdidamente.
No voy a soltar conclusiones radicales como: "el amor de mi vida" "la persona que se llevó todos mis "te amo" ". No lo diré simplemente porque sé que habrá alguien mas, porque a pesar de todo aún no he cerrado mi libro.
Cada vez que le veo siento, pienso y me doy cuenta que todo corrió a la velocidad de la luz. Quizá tal vez debí de frenar en aquel momento en que esas dos palabras resbalaron de mis labios, quizá... solo quizá debi...
Cada vez que le veo ahora, mas que nunca, siento que a pesar de todo no me arrepiento, a pesar de haber ido a velocidad, accidentarme y morir, no me arrepiento porque viví una experiencia inolvidable, llena de risas, de todas las risas que jamás escuché, de nadie y mucho menos de mi. Sentí que fueron sinceras, al menos eso fue sincero y realmente se lo agradezco.


"Así que aquí estoy, llamándote
no puedo ni quiero aceptar esta tristeza
pero no tengo otra opción"


¿Resignación? ¿es eso acaso a lo que se resume esta entrada?. Han pasado meses, muchos mas de los que se necesita para poder olvidar - según dice la gente -, pero para mi es demasiado poco, principalmente porque mi terca mente me lo prohibe, y porque si me lo permitiera, mi corazón moriría.

Contradictorio ¿verdad? esos son los matices de mi complicada vida que, si quieres, puedo dejar que conozcas a través de estas líneas.

No sé con que frecuencia hablaré de mí aquí, quizá cuando sienta que quiera soltarlo todo, quizá cuando me sienta como hoy, deslumbrada por aquellos ojos marrones, abrumada por los recuerdos...


"Mis sentimientos no han cambiado
Solo estoy pensando en tí"

"Desde el día en que me dejaste sin decir adios, las señales y el olor de esta ciudad es extraño.
Hicimos promesas, quise ser todo para tí
pero no se mantuvieron, se convirtieron en memorias"


Un día mas pasa, Mei.... solo es un día mas...